James Barclay - Journal

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

If my six month old son, Oscar, fights as hard for world peace in the future as he does against falling asleep at the moment, we can look forward to the cessation of all conflict around the globe.

Labels: Baby, Oscar

posted by James on Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

To own a dog is to know that you are less interesting than a pile of deer crap.

Labels: Dogs

posted by James on Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Mark Chadbourn (may he be slightly injured in a freak typing accident), fellow fantasy author and owner of the excellent www.jackofravens.com blog as tagged me. I understand this to mean I have to reveal five things about me that you are unlikely to know. So here goes:

1) I hate wobbly fat on meat. It is the texture and consistency that is such a disgrace and it makes me seriously nauseous. Crispy bacon fat is just fine and dandy.

2) I broke my right arm in three places when I was a wee lad of six. A very bad break I'm assured. All I did was fall off a climbing frame. I still remember the numbness and also the odd feeling when the plaster came off. After six weeks with my forearm encased, I had to concentrate to keep it by my side or it would float up around my head. Just for a while. Honestly.

3) My worst heckler threw an onion at me. I was in a pub doing my one-man show 'The Goalkeeper' in pursuit of my Equity Card. Apparently, the gentleman in question didn't enjoy my take on the profession and a pickled onion missed me but only barely. It was not the high point of my acting career. I completed the show and beat a hasty retreat. I finally got my Equity card doing a children's Winnie the Pooh show with a friend of mine.

4) I used to suffer from a stammer. I was quite young. 10 or so, if I recall. It is a horrible thing and mine wasn't even severe. And can I just point out to you non-stammerers that the two crappest things you can do to a person with a stammer are; finish their words for them and mimic their problem. Just don't... they are acutely sensitive already and you will make it a whole lot worse.

5) I used to be a tournament standard paintball player. Back in the late 80s and early 90s, when paintball was relatively new, I turned up for a day's play and fell in love with it. I came back again and again and was eventually invited to join a team called 'The Turks'. It was a real bank account drainer but a fantastic time. We played almost every weekend, trained during the week and on my non-playing days I worked at the site to earn the money to buy gun and paint. While I was a member of the team, our finest moment was coming second in the Mayhem European Open 1990. And we should have won. I won't bore you with the details, it still hurts a bit even now. I still turn out and play occasionally but not for a team any longer.

So there you go. Apparently I have to tag three friends (what a great networking tool, eh?) so I tag Dave Mutton, Stan Nicholls and Lizzy Hill. Don't blame me, blame Chadbourn.

posted by James on Thursday, February 22, 2007

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

We read that Richmond Borough Council (which includes my part of Teddington) plan to increase resident parking charges for those evil folk who drive gas guzzling cars. I wanted to check a few things so have just written to Councillor Lourie. I thought I'd share the text with you...

Dear Mr Lourie,

I have read about the plans to charge higher resident parking fees for ‘4x4s and other gas guzzling cars’ with interest. I’m all for action on emissions. Indeed when I bought my 4x4, I made sure that it’s emissions were in line with most normal family saloons, same goes for its fuel economy and safety rating. I have off road parking so in my quiet corner of Teddington I actually won’t suffer from increased resident parking charges.

That does not stop me being really worried about the basis for imposing these charges so I just wanted to check that you were going to be scrupulously fair about their imposition. Not being apprised with how you will determine which vehicles should be charged your proposed increases, I am assuming that what you will do is physically measure the CO2 output of every single car applying for a resident’s parking permit within the borough rather than just go by the manufacturer’s stated emissions. At the least, you will be asking that any vehicle requiring an MOT provides proper recent measurement of their current emissions status.

As I’m sure you’re aware, poorly maintained cars, those that are simply a good number of years old, many vans, mini-buses, diesel vehicles old and new to name but a few, can emit CO2 far in excess of anything pumped out by many modern 4x4s. I know as a member of Richmond Council you will want to impose any rules and higher charges fairly and not discriminate on the basis of any popularist assumptions.

Please confirm that will be the case and outline same for public consumption.

posted by James on Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Thursday, January 11, 2007

I don't often post on political issues as you know but this just makes me seethe. Ruth Kelly, a Labour MP and Cabinet Minister, being lambasted for deciding to send her dyslexic son to a private school where he will get specialist help.

Get out of her life and mind your own damned business.

Here is what we know. We live in a capitalist democracy which provides many things to accommodate the financial situations of the members of our society. Given the funds, we are free to choose which of those we want. The Labour party is not against private schools. Ruth Kelly has the income to afford to send her son to a private school. Her other three children remain in the state system.

Here is what we don't know. The severity of her son's dyslexia. Any other learning issues he has. What the professional advice was that she received concerning her son. Whether the local state schools actually can give him the help he needs whatever the quality of their services.

Given these things, in which world is she a hypocrite? She is simply exercising her right to choose and she is not going against her government's ideology. But much more than that, she is doing what every responsible parent should want to do, and that is trying to get the best for her children. And for that she should be applauded. That attitude should not damage a career, it should enhance one.

I know most people can't afford private education for their children. Unless my financial circumstances change, neither will I be able to. But I no more have the right to tell Ruth Kelly how to spend her money than she does me and mine. That's choice, that's freedom and that is our democracy, isn't it?

My advice is, stop whining about the priveleges of others and try and better your own situation in whatever legal fashion you can. That's what I try to do.

Good for you, Ruth Kelly. And good for your children. They have a mother who cares for them more than she does her career and that must make them feel bloody great.

posted by James on Thursday, January 11, 2007

Friday, January 05, 2007

Thought I'd reprint my Prism columns here (I do have permission...). Prism is the magazine of the British Fantasy Society. And if you're interested in the society, why not join? Head over to www.britishfantasysociety.org.uk and find out more.

Meanwhile, here's my first colulmn. Wrote it in October last year. Enjoy.

Fantasy Musings – Prism Column, October 2006

On jealousy
It is traditional, when the fantasy genre is brought to wider public attention for authors to nod appreciatively and say how happy they are that author ‘x’ has helped to further the cause of the genre in general, we will all benefit and the world is clearly a happier place, blah, blah. Now come on, all of you, admit it. Beneath this veneer you are seething with jealousy when such a thing happens. Take the following:

‘Peter Jackson has optioned Naomi Novik’s Temeraire.’

Was I jealous when I read that? Is the Pope a German? My teeth ground together and my temperature rose. Good grief, I dream of this and here it is happening to someone else. Oh, the unfairness of this world. Wail and howl! Why has Jackson not called me to explain that The Raven must be brought to the big screen? Can he not see what must surely be in front of his face? Frankly, James, no he can’t, so stop your whining.

I congratulate Naomi Novik. She has conjured a superbly visual premise. But that doesn’t stop me having a few moments of insane jealousy. Personally, I didn’t get on with the writing style but I doubt she’ll lose any sleep over that. However, few of us could deny that, correctly rendered, Temeraire will be a feast for the eyes.

The point is, what do you do with such jealousy? Well, there are two routes. Get bitter and spout about how undeserving it is that lesser talents (for such will be the insinuation) have achieved mighty riches (for such is the root of the bitterness). Or get over it and give yourself a great kick up the backside. Use it. Someone else has hijacked one of your dreams but the happy thing is that dreams, and not just nightmares, can recur. Make it you next time.

Will it bring the fantasy genre to a wider audience as a result? Well, there is little evidence that The Lord Of The Rings did anything of the kind. I guess the encouraging thing is that film and TV makers are more and more accepting of fantasy. The scales may take a long time to tip but if the trend continues, an increase in interest is inevitable. Like prodding at a rock with your finger, eventually, you’ll make an indentation.

On David Gemmell
The undisputed master of heroic fantasy in the UK died on 28th July this year. The effect he had on fans was demonstrated in the outpouring of emotion and tribute seen, in particular, across the internet. For myself, there was personal sadness too. David was a good friend and a peerless mentor; a man I will miss very much in the years to come.

But, like the tribute we held at FantasyCon in September, melancholy is outlawed from this column (unless I never hear from Peter Jackson of course and then it is entirely justified). David believed in the great strengths of humans and their capacity to defeat evil and save good. He reflected those strengths in his novels as well as in everything that he said. These are what I will remember going forward… love, friendship, honour, courage, redemption. A world that exhibits these cannot be all bad.

He also told me once that while it was almost impossible to define ‘heroism’ so far as he was concerned, there was one thing he always bore in mind. And it was this: that when for all others, all hope is gone and despair and defeat are inevitable, for a hero, there is always something that can be done.

Wise words.

Until next time, do the best you can and be good to people. Nothing else really matters when you think about it.

posted by James on Friday, January 05, 2007

Monday, November 20, 2006

I voted for my X-Factor favourite on Saturday night. And if you wantto know, it was Ben. My wife, Clare, voted for Leona.

Over one and a half million did vote so it is not shocking per se, except if you are aware of my utter loathing for reality and talent shows. So what happened?

Well, it's quite simple, I watched an audition episode of the show almost by accident. It was at once hysterical, filled with delusional individuals and, just occasionally, with someone who could really, really sing. Like so many, I got drawn in to the whole concept.

Now the reason I enjoy it is because unlike total bilge like, 'Big Brother' or 'I'm a former celebrity desperate for publicity, get me a TV contract' the X-Factor is actually a show that demands talent, and developing talent too. Yes, there is melodrama with the judges and all that (and actually, I began by disliking Simon Cowell but now see him as the most honest of them. Harsh, but honest. And normally right) but in the end, the singing wins the votes.

Crucially, it is not a contest to see who can eat the most grubs, spiders and then blub and whine pathetically. I have no respect or regard for anyone who ever goes on such shows. Wouldn't waste my sweat if they were burning in the pits of hell. Which is where they deserve to be, after all.

Anyway, why did I vote? Well, because we're down to the last few acts and there is some serious talent in danger of going out because of an obvious voting conspiracy regarding one of the remaining acts.

Sorry for those who don't watch but here it is. The MacDonald Brothers do not deserve to still be in the show. It's quite simple. Nothing personal but they do not measure up to the ability of any of the acts who have gone out in the last three weeks at least. They are not good enough. They are there, surely, because there is an organised vote each week for them. Nothing to do with ability, everything to do with parochial pride.

So I urge everyone that wants to see a deserving winner... Ben or Leona in my opinion, then vote. Don't leave it to other people. Don't trust to hope that the MacDonalds will lose their support. Again, nothing personal but they cannot hold a candle to any of the remaining acts.

X-Factor is a decent show. It is exciting and there is great ability on display. It's fun and it's good theatre. If an average act win, it undermines the credibility of the whole show, which would be a shame.

Yes, I am a convert. But to this one alone.

posted by James on Monday, November 20, 2006

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Just been on holiday. Last one before the baby comes in January. And it was fantastic, thanks for asking. A place called 'Maroma' on the Riviera Maya in Mexico. Glorious beaches, great diving, unbelievably good service and close to beautiful Mayan ruins. Anyway, that's as maybe.

We spent a good number of hours on the beach, reading, relaxing and oft-times watching what was going on. There was a resort next door and it provided terrific entertainment if you wanted to see vanity in all its glory.

Now I'm not complaining. Beautiful bikini bodies are not to be frowned at. But even so, the egos that they contained were jaw-dropping. We had the daily struts down the beach. Not merely strolling and talking but strutting. Tits and arses thrust to best advantage, plenty of glances to ensure people could see and were watching. Disdain worn like an extra pair of shades. I became convinced that training courses must have been available next door. The pride was tangible. John Travolta would have been proud

It's one thing when you have a body to show off (and plenty of the lads and lasses did, to be fair. But, as with all beaches, some were sadly deluded. Mainly the men. Too much on the stomach front, too little on the trunks front. Enough said. Follow my lead, wear appropriately sized shorts...

Far more hilarious was the photography, though. I must be an old git but really, do you have to get a 'professional' to take your photos as you play in the surf, pose on the sand and toss your long hair back so the spray flies high as the shutter clicks? Do you want your holiday shots to look like an extremely poor fashion shoot? Apparently, many do. A long line of sad wannabes got sand in their pants whilst dreaming they were about to appear in the pirelli calendar. Great to watch mind you. And there was no thought of humility, no awareness of the ridiculous figures they cut. Outstanding blinkeredness (if there is such a word).

Then there was the middle aged Italian couple who thought they were doing a remake of 'From Here To Eternity.' Magnificent.

People-watching on a beach should be an Olympic sport. And there are beautiful people on every beach. And I am no classical sculpture. But at least I know it...

posted by James on Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Monday, September 11, 2006

I got a note stuck on my car on Sunday. From an organisation wanting to ban urban 4x4 vehicles. I drive a Honda CR-V. It is the cleanest, safest, most economical vehicle in its class. Indeed, it isn't even a 4x4 in normal driving conditions because it only switches to all wheel drive when the terrain demands it.

Anyway, the note piqued me somewhat so I wrote an email to them, explaining a few things. Thought I'd share it with you. Please write and disagree if you want. It actually opens up an interesting debate, I think. I refer to subjects and text on the note, so excuse the apparently random references at times.

Here's the text:

I was touched to receive one of your terribly witty spoof parking tickets on my Honda CR-V on Sunday in Richmond Town Centre. That’ll be the town over which planes casting out a level of CO2 that make my car’s emissions vanishingly small. I wonder if the poster of the note ever gets on an aircraft. Actually it wasn’t that funny but it was misleading, myopic, offensive, patronising and ignorant. You see, the trouble with protest groups like yours is that they use statistics and assumptions without any recourse to balance, need or the actual circumstances of the individual. You compare those cars you hate (and I agree, some of them are expensive to run and chuck out too much in the way of CO2 than is desirable) against vehicles that bear them no relation whatever. In which world is any 4x4 comparable to a SMART car? But more of that later.

You’ll be terribly glad to know that I indulged in some research having received your flyer. It made me very satisfied with my choice of vehicle. My choice of car is neither dirty, nor particularly dangerous (it has a three star rating as I expect you know and while that isn’t perfect, it ain’t bad, is it?). It actually runs at 215 in CO2 emissions, not 220 as you erroneously suggest. Again, not perfect but that outperforms around 90% (now that’s an estimate based on my research but at least I admit it might not be absolutely accurate, eh?) of the cars currently on the roads in this country allowing for age, ranges and maintenance of the average motor vehicle. It’s urban MPG is 24.6, not 23.2 as you erroneously suggest. That puts it uncomfortably close to the apparently clean Ford Mondeo 2.0 litre but hey, let’s not let audited figures get in the way of your pathetic attempts at bullying, shall we?

My car does not weigh 3 tons. It does not do 12 mpg. Before you put another piece of paper on my car, get your facts straight. In addition, the Honda CR-V, as you well know, I’m sure, has an intelligent driving system that means it runs as a front wheel drive car unless the terrain demands 4 wheel drive. Hence in town, it is not a 4x4 because it does not need to be. That’s why it does almost 25 mpg, you know.

I understand you’d rather I drove a SMART car or rode a bicycle, right? Excellent idea. I’ll send the children to a home and shoot the dog, shall I? Or perhaps you’d like to pop round to my place and explain how I transport children and animals using one of these preferred vehicles. And before you bluster about how I must get a people carrier or an estate car, take a damned good look at the emissions, mpg etc of most of this class of car on the road. You’ll find, rather uncomfortably for you, that the Honda CR-V stacks up pretty damned well. Yep, it’s not at the top, but it’s nowhere near the bottom either. When I make my very infrequent trips into London, I do it in my car if I have to. Or perhaps you’d rather I bought a second vehicle for this purpose. Now there’s a plan, put another car on the road. And yes, I do go to Homebase, and not just on bank holidays. But again, we must chat about how I carry the paint, tiles, lamps, cables, bricks, organic fertilisers and rain water butts on my bicycle.

I know these things because I looked into the market in considerable depth before making my vehicle choice. This is because I care about the environment. No, I was not conned and your patronising paragraph about the Himalayas is laughable in its intent. Is that really why you think people buy 4x4s? Give me strength. Yes, to some they are status symbols etc but to people like me, they are the car that actually fits on my drive, that actually has the interior space I need to live my life, that actually does no more damage to the environment than most similar-sized non 4x4s.

You see, what is most offensive and ignorant about your campaign is that you know nothing about me, where I live, the requirements of my life, nothing. Yet you encourage like–minded sheep to plant litter on my windscreen (I’ll recycle the note, but I wonder how many just drop it on the ground?). I do walk. Nearly everywhere. In fact I’ll bet you a considerable sum that I am far fitter than the majority in your organisation. We really must play five sets of tennis one day to find out. I do use buses. And trains. And the underground. I understand the issue facing the planet. I air dry my washing. I collect rainwater in butts, I recycle everything that I can. Even my dog’s crap is converted to an ecologically friendly fertiliser. I do not need buffoons like you to tell me how to save the planet. Here’s another wager for you… that actually, I consume less of the environment than the majority of your organisation. It’s all about balance, isn’t it? And you have no balance. How can you? You are a single-issue campaign.

The sad thing is, that I agree with the issue underlying your campaign. Belching out less C02 is clearly a good thing. So why don’t you turn your attention to sports cars, old cars, badly maintained cars, trucks, vans, tractors, buses over three years old, diesel trains… oh and while we’re at it, if you really want to make a difference, blockade Heathrow Airport. Now there really is the seat of C02 hell. But of course, that might upset your holiday plans, mightn’t it? Drat, ah well, let’s stick to the easy and visible target, shall we?

Let’s face it, unless you live in a tent in the New Forest burning only 2-year-dried wood, you are consuming as much if not more of the environment than I am. I respect that you want to do something but I do not respect the narrow focus of your anger. And I urge you to remove the Honda CR-V from your list. It blatantly is not a car that is bad for the environment in the manner you imply. Before you or any of your misguided acolytes dares to slap another ticket on my car, do me the decency of finding out if I actually deserve it or not. Have them wait by my car and talk to me so we can discuss whether I am a net consumer of resources or not in comparison to them, rather than leaving an anonymous sheet of paper on my windscreen, which is indeed an act of cowardice, is it not? Or I shall come and inspect your vehicle, your house and your lifestyle and find out if you are worthy of the campaign you run.

I respect your right to protest. I also respect the right of people to make choices that benefit their lives. I do not respect ignorance and I do not respect careless waste.

Hope you enjoyed it... I love a good, honest and tempered rant

James

posted by James on Monday, September 11, 2006

Friday, July 28, 2006

I'm going to tell you a little story. It's January 2006 and I am at my wits' end. I'm strugging to make my latest novel, A Shout For The Dead, into anything like a coherent first draft. There seems to be so much that just isn't working properly.

So I make the trip down to Dros Delnoch in the beautiful rolling East Sussex countryside. It's a trip I've made a good few times. To relax, drink a glass of wine, eat one of David's magnificently cooked steaks and chat away the night, talking about authorly things.

This time it went further than that. He made me talk about all I thought was wrong and why. We dissected problems and built solutions. We laughed at stupid things I'd done, things David said he'd done many a time, and resolved to straighten them out. Birds were singing by the time we'd finished but he'd given me a light to follow. A place to go where I could see through the fog and complete what I knew was a terrific book full of great action and ideas. David saw it too and that was why he wouldn't let me sleep until we'd sorted it out. He saved me from further torture and I reckon he saved the book too. Part of him is in that book and I will be eternally grateful for that.

My wife, Clare, said I was a different person when I came back from the Dros that time. And I was. A tragedy that it was the last time I saw him. Thankfully I spoke to him enough times to thank him for what he had done.

David called me the day before he went in to hospital. 'I don't want friends to hear about this on the grapevine,' he said. 'You know, particularly if things don't work out.'

Typical of the man. A more generous, passionate soul I have yet to meet.

David was my mentor and my friend. And he will remain both in my memory because I will forever be able to recall his words when I am struggling; and his great tales and his laughter when I am not. Today I am struggling.

I write this with the tears falling. So many of us will miss him for all that he gave us. When you read his books, know that the passion in his characters came straight from his heart. It was an honour and a privelege to have known him and to count him among my very good friends.

I am sad for me but I am devastated for Stella. To have such a man as David torn from her is as cruel as it is unjust. Keep her in your thoughts.

James

posted by James on Friday, July 28, 2006